I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
