ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
