I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
