is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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