First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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