Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
