The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
And the cops told us we were all naked.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
