Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
