I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
