it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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