sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
