Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
