my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
