third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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