She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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