i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
