girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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