The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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