nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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