Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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