remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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