it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
