I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
