I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
