I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
it's like iHOP with fire
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
