I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
