if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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