shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
No stitches, just platelets and will power
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
