Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
