I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
