my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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