she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Woke up backwards on a recliner
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
