He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
