I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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