you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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