My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I want a musical about memes.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
