Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
