what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
