I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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