Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
