i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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