I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
