He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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