I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
