I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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