So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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