I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
