First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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