so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
