The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
