I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
