Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
