shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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